Monster Goldfish

Sunny winter's day

2012-02-04T16:36:00.000-08:00

Mt Tabor park. Took Cole and I roughly 30 minutes to run/walk there today. Then we tromped around for a bit, and I took him to the off-leash dog area. He was very good, came back to me whenever I called him, and was happy but a bit overwhelmed. He was super friendly with all the dogs and people, but didn't really play, so when he came and his his head by me we left.

Beautiful cold and windy weekend. If only it were this gorgeous all winter long.....

"If you're not empty, how can you be filled up?" City of Joy

2012-02-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

No, I am not running away to Calcutta. Just reminding myself of where I am, and that things get better. I have always loved this movie, and always wished it had reached a bigger audience.

The work I have been doing for the past six years is in the trenches, and I see sadness and broken lives daily. Its time for me to move on, my batteries for my work not only need to be recharged, they are ready to be completely replaced.

I am working on it.

Two Balls Are Better Than One

2012-01-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

Nothing good gets away

2012-01-22T07:42:00.000-08:00

Love this letter from John Steinbeck to his son.

Nothing good gets away

In November of 1958, John Steinbeck — the renowned author of, most notably, The Grapes of Wrath, East of Eden, and Of Mice and Men — received a letter from his eldest son, Thom, who was attending boarding school. In it, the teenager spoke of Susan, a young girl with whom he believed he had fallen in love.

Steinbeck replied the same day. His beautiful letter of advice can be enjoyed below.

(Source: Steinbeck: A Life in Letters; and via Letters of Note you can see the actual letter at Letters of Note.)

New York
November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First—if you are in love—that’s a good thing—that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second—There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply—of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it—and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone—there is no possible harm in saying so—only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another—but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens—The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,
Fa

Cole likes 3 day weekends

2012-01-16T22:56:00.000-08:00

And his toys.

New Dog, or, Clearly I Have Lost My Mind

2012-01-08T11:34:00.000-08:00

Meet Cole. My new dog.

Because clearly I have lost my mind.

He was the family dog for someone for six years until his dad died, so his mom turned him over to the shelter. He's about 6 years old, nervous as all get out right now, and who can blame him? But he seems to be bonding to me and his tail wags non-stop.

He was reported to get along with the family cat, but so far he is a little too interested for Skittle's comfort so we will be taking the interspecies mingling at a slow pace.

Yeah, I am not completely ready for this, miss my Ingy and Ariel-kitty terribly, Cheyenne too, for that matter, but this goofus needed me. So here we are. Wish us luck. 2012 is definitely starting with a bang.

Rising From the Ashes - Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T11:40:00.000-08:00

When devastation becomes deliverance, ashes from the past can become the foundations of the future. - Paige Bradley

Expansion, by Paige Bradley

I recently stumbled upon Ms. Bradley's website and art via Creating Wings, and became instantly entranced by her work and her words. One piece hit me so hard it moved me to tears, and while I certainly cannot afford the actual sculpture of Home, (much as I would really really like to!) I can and did allow myself to splurge and buy a print of it so that I can frame it and hang it in my bedroom. In MY VERY OWN HOME.

The devastating past becoming the foundation for the newer future. Fitting words for the end of a tumultuous, loving, joyous, sorrowful, adventurous, frustrating, challenging, happy, and ultimately amazing chock full of life year.

Here's to rising from the ashes phoenix-style and expanding into bigger and better loving and joyous versions of ourselves in the coming year. (And per Maggie, here's to eating more donuts too!)

Happy New Year!

Everything Is As It Should be

2011-12-27T09:30:00.000-08:00

Another view from the vineyards where I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Such beauty, even in winter when so many plants and animals are sleeping. Everything Is As It Should Be.

I've recently had anger resurface at the ex-bf again, and needed to be reminded that Everything Is As It Should be. If not for him, I would not have been invited to the vineyards, and spent time with such lovely and generous friends, and so for that, I am thankful.

Everything Is As It Should Be. This will be my mantra and my anchoring phrase for 2012, as I try to remember how truly grateful I am for all the love and goodness and beauty in my life.

Merry Christmas, Peace on Earth

2011-12-25T15:23:00.000-08:00

Wishing you and yours a joyous and peaceful holiday, and more good things to come in 2012.

May you find happiness and beauty everywhere.

For Nancy, and anyone going through a hard time

2011-12-16T08:03:00.000-08:00

the broken heart.

If your heart is broken,
do not wrap it in bandages
but leave it wide open
to the weather.
Let the sun warm it,
let the rain wash it,
and let the wind plant it
with seeds of new growth.
Before you know it,
your poor broken heart
will have grown a garden
of glorious flowers.
People will visit it,
birds will sing in it
and the wind will bear its seeds
to other broken hearts.

by Joy Cowley

via randomness

My own heart has broken several times this year, and saying goodbye to my beloved Ariel is one of the reasons. Sweet Nancy is going through her own hard goodbye right now. Please send her thoughts of love and light and healing. Goodbyes are always hard, but the love and memories our friends leave behind stay forever.

Ariel kitty and her bunny

Creating a Beautiful Life - a new Life List Goal

2011-12-11T11:36:00.001-08:00

I follow a number of bloggers online - some have a kajillion followers, others have smaller more private followings - the thread that connects them for me is that they all have created their own lives. I may not want all aspects of their lives, or to have/do anything that they might have or do, but the fact that they have created their own paths is what I find inspiring. I look to them for ideas and inspiration and encouragement or even HOPE - hope that if I keep working at this life, working at being a better person (especially when its hard), at digging deep into the heart of things, that I will be creating the life that I want, one that nurtures and sustains me.

This past year has been a whirlwind for me, full of highs and lows, and some amazing happenings. Some things have been bittersweet, such as my trip to Hawaii, and some have been a source of joy, such as buying my own home. Adopting Ingrid the baby hippo rottweiler was an unexpected source of incredible joy and happiness - she brought such love and fun into my life! I knew with adopting an older dog I wouldn't have her for a normal lifespan, but had been hoping to give her a few good happy years. The time was shorter than I would've liked, but it was always happy, and I spoiled her like crazy because she deserved it. The recent loss of her was a huge blow emotionally.

Even more of a blow was the loss of little Ariel kitty after 16 years together. I had taken for granted how healthy she has always been, so when she suddenly started declining it was a shock. And once the decline started it progressed rapidly. Those 16 years of memories are hitting me hard, its the ending of one of my last longest connections with a soul that has traveled with me through so much.

All this to say, I have been in turmoil and struggling. Throw in a breakup with the younger guy I'd been dating smack in the middle of the two goodbyes and you have a recipe for some dark nights. Oh yes, and a cryptic text on Thanksgiving from the ex-bf about our first Thanksgiving together didn't help either. That's the personal turmoil.

Then there's the work stuff. My job is a stressful and demanding one, which normally is very fulfilling. The problem this past year has been we have been running on lower resources than normal and everyone is feeling it, everyone is overworked, tired and on the verge of burnout if not already there. It has gotten to a point where it is very hard to witness the sadness and wrecked lives that are part and parcel in my field. Too much sorrow, everywhere.

All of that said, I still consider myself to be an unbelievably lucky person. So many of my goals and dreams in life have been met and achieved and come true. Cheyenne was and always will be one of the most amazing things in my life - my childhood dream of living with a wolf come to life in a way that was even better than what I had imagined. So very very lucky and blessed with my time with her. One of my other deepest dreams, an old one from around the same time I started dreaming of wolves, has been the dream of a family. Its the one dream that always seems to be just beyond my grasp or it seems to slip through my fingers every time I think, "this time."

And so here I am, with the universe, or god, or whatever you want to call it, throwing me this challenge. My most recent incarnation of a family, my little family of 3, (Ariel, Ingrid, & me) is no longer. Close relationship ties have been untied, or at least slightly severed. I am spectacularly alone, in my home that was so very recently acquired in order to create a warm loving space for family. My family. It is so very very hard for me to be still, be quiet, wait and listen. Emotionally reactive is my default setting, although for work I can control it, for personal relationships it is more of a war with myself, one that I often lose.

Life is supposed to break your heart, and I embrace all of the hurt that comes from being a passionate person who jumps in with both feet. The challenge for me now is how do I navigate this emotionally charged time, while I am so incredibly fragile, and not get defensive, and not become far too reactive and overreact to things that I should not? How do I center and ground myself when so much of my foundation feels as though it has slid out from beneath my feet like a California landslide?

My life has always been beautiful and full of adventures, both good and bad. And even though I do not know what is coming up next for me, I need to find the strength and reserves and the HOPE to somehow come from deep within myself to sustain me and help me make the next phase a beautiful life as well. Right now I am not sure if I can do it. I really do feel as though I am hanging by a thread, that I have finally reached my limit. But dammit, I sure as hell am gonna TRY.

Agreeable vs Disagreeable

2011-12-08T07:36:00.001-08:00

This exchange happened while having dinner with a good friend last night:

Him:   "You're awfully agreeable when you're bereft."
Me:     "Sorry about that. Just think how boring I'd be if I were agreeable all the time."
Him:    "No, no, no. It's not your disagreeableness that makes you interesting. You really
             could keep being agreeable even when you're done grieving."

File that one under, Good to know.

Sweet dreams my sweet Ariel kitty

2011-12-04T12:06:00.001-08:00

RIP Ariel kitty, 1995-2011. Sixteen years a part of my family: lived in three states, made two cross-country drives and two cross-country flights, you were sometimes a sweetie, sometimes a butthead, but always loved.

She passed at home on Monday, November 28, 2011. She didn't wait for me to get home from work. I'd been sleeping with her in the guest bedroom every night since Halloween, when she had what we now know was the first of an increasing series of seizures, more than likely caused by tumors. Thanksgiving week I stayed home most of the time to cuddle and hang out with her, as it was getting obvious she was rapidly declining.

Two weeks after Ingrid passed away, my little family of three has been decimated.

Picked up her ashes yesterday afternoon and got home to find beautiful flowers from our vet waiting on the front steps. Completely lost it. Ariel was a stubborn, often prickly kitty, even to me, although she loved to nap and sleep with me. She saw me through so many rough times, and good times in my life, sixteen years of memories. I had her since she was a little piece of feral fluff that could fit in the palm of my hand, She had a very good life,and but damn it makes me sad that she is gone. She was a quiet but solid little presence in my life, and I miss her so very much.

Farewell Baby Hippo

2011-11-15T12:44:00.001-08:00

Jeff at Cranial Aperture has some nice words of goodbye for Miss Ingrid.

Ingrid enjoying her new yard. At least we moved in before the serious rains began, so she got to enjoy being outside with me in the evenings and on weekends for the whole 5- 6 weeks we've been here.

I will miss her smiling face and happy spirit very much. She made me smile at least once a day every single day she was with me. We had a lot of fun in our short time together, and I am very happy I got to love her.

One more pic of her. How wonderful to be so incredibly adored by such a great girl - just look at that sweet face! Everyone should be on the receiving end of such love and devotion!

Ariel kitty

2011-11-13T11:34:00.001-08:00

My Little Miss Impertinent is finally showing her age. She is 16 years old, and has been with me since she was a rescued feral piece of fluff that could fit in the palm of my hand and we lived in a studio apartment in Venice Beach. She has flown cross country to New Orleans and lived with me there for three months when I took family leave to take care of my Mom when she was first fighting cancer. She's driven cross country with me twice - first from LA to New Orleans, then from New Orleans to Portland. We have moved together at least 13 times. This last time into what is our home. Completely ours.

And on Halloween she collapsed. Lost control of her legs and fell over. When I took her to the vet's that same day, it turns out the diagnosis is old age, dehydration and constipation. Poor thing. So she got subcutaneous fluids, and they sent us home with a drip and some needles to keep giving her fluids at home. She's also getting lactulose, and I am giving her high fat kitty supplement whenever I can get her to take it from me.

I have slept with her in the guest bedroom ever since her collapse (my new bed is too high for her, and the guest bedroom is all hers.) In the past two days she's started taking more of an interest in her wet food, which is a big improvement. She tends to love dry kibble more than any wet food, and that can lead to dehydration and constipation in older kitties.

She is still feisty. And I am not ready for her to leave me yet. She can be a pain in the ass, and grumpy, and has a big personality for such a little kitty, but she's my unique pain in the ass and I love her and want her to stick around a little longer. So I'd appreciate it if anyone wants to send some good thoughts her way.

Happy Halloween from Ingrid!

2011-10-31T19:45:00.000-07:00

And me and Ariel too!

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

Reluctant party guest

2011-10-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

Max, ready for the wedding reception to be over.

Went to Atlanta over the weekend for a friend's wedding. Beautiful sunny weather, light breezes, delightfully charming company - it was perfect.

Homeowner! Another Life List Update

2011-10-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

It's official - I can now add Homeowner to my life's resume.

That sentence evokes a HUGE BEAMING SMILE OF JOY from me. The happiness meter has been off the charts lately. HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY. Seriously. I break out into random dancing for joy unexpectedly these days. (Insert break for jumping and dancing here.)

While I consider all of the things on my Life List important, this one seems to qualify as more of a 'big-ticket' item, and its now crossed off. Although it seems like 'crossed off' is not quite the right way to categorize it, since it feels like a whole new adventure has just begun.

Ah, nothing says Home like a dog bed, hardwood floors, and tools.

Ingrid was quite upset when the boxes came out for packing, but has done quite well now that we've been in the house for a full week. She's gotten lots of treats and attention, and even a new dog bed to add to the many she already has. Yesterday was a rare sunny day so she hung out with me in the yard while I picked up apples and pears and tossed them into the compost bin.

The grass delights her - she will occasionally throw her very large body on the ground, roll over onto her back, and wriggle back and forth, legs flying, tongue lolling, grunts erupting joyously.

Since it's still in the unpacking phase, everything is a mess, but slowly coming along. No pictures for a while. I do love my new pink Apollo toolbox. Apollo donates 50 cents of every purchase to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation. Cute and functional tools, and help a good cause? Done.

One more good link today in honor of working on Life Lists. Head over to Mighty Girl for an awesome giveaway, as well as some inspiration for things to add to your own Life List. It ends next Thursday, October the 13th at midnight, so what are you waiting for?

Goodnight, Sweet Caloi - In Memoriam

2011-09-15T02:42:00.000-07:00

Good night sweet Caloi. Caloi, Roi, Little Roi, Roi Roi, Pig Pig, little black bear, sunshine puppy with the wiggle waggle tail, face, puppy face, devil dog, toofless wonder, sweet sweet girl. She said goodbye to this world on Wednesday, August 24th, 2011, and went over the Rainbow Bridge to be with her best buddy Cheyenne, and her old pals Kia and Murphy.

I have only had the good fortune to love my sweet little girl Roi for the last five of her fourteen years, but they were five good years, full of love, and kisses, trips to beach, eggs for breakfast on the weekends, sleep-in days and plenty of pets and hugs.

I wasn’t there for her beginning years, but I do know some of her more infamous stories. She showed up in a crate with a bow to surprise her Dad after he came back to Portland from a business trip. She drove the older and bigger Kia crazy through her puppy years, climbing all over her and giving her grief. The time in the country when she saw a baby cow through an electric fence, and even though Steve told her “No.” She had to see that baby cow, and ran and jumped with those short puppy legs right into the fence, only to get zapped and land on her little puppy butt. Scared and shaking, waiting for her Dad. There’s the story of how she walked into the house under construction and made her way to the second floor (or the roof), Steve saw a shadow, and it was Caloi, who then walked right off a plank and fell flat onto her nose in a face plant that left a permanent scar. No matter it added character. That scar and her floppy left ear were all part of her character and charm. She would race Steve’s truck down the driveway out in Canby, he’d ask her, “You ready?” and she’d wait for his signal, then run fast and hard, trying to keep up with his truck.

Oh, she loved her truck. Truck truck was one of her all time favorite things. Just say those words twice and that dog was ready to go, happy as could be in the back of Steve’s pickup, no matter if it was a fifteen minute grocery run, a day at the track, or a three hour trip to Bend, she was up for it and ready to go.

She was Steve’s best friend and constant companion for fourteen years. She loved people, wasn’t too crazy about other dogs, but she really really loved people. Me, Kevin, Jacque, and Ingrid most especially, but Roi made friends everywhere. And she loved her Dad best of all. She loved walks, and swimming, she would chase a stick thrown in the river for as long as you’d let her keep going, even past the point of exhaustion. She had a pile babies (stuffed animals) and would pick one to carry around in her mouth and show off for you. She didn’t like to share. (I will tease and say she learned that from her Dad.) She didn’t like sharing her babies or her friends. Once, when Jacque was visiting, Caloi thought Cheyenne was getting too much of Jacque’s attention, so she simply, quietly, turned and bit Nanny in the nose. It was so stealth that it took until drops of blood were dripping from Chey’s nose for us to figure out what had happened. Another time, I don’t know exactly what happened, both girls were napping in the living room while I was reading on the sofa. All of a sudden, Roi went after Chey, I jumped up to break it up, Steve came and helped pull them apart, and when we had them calm again, we noticed Roi was missing a front tooth. Never did find it, but there was a suspiciously toothlike bump on Chey’s head afterwards. Roi, you can finally get your toof back from Nanny now.

Because I met Caloi the very same night I met Steve – with Cheyenne, at the Lucky Lab – most of my memories of her include the two of them as well. For the next five years after that first meeting, Roi was my sweetie. She was her Daddy’s girl, but when Steve and Chey would go to bed early, she would stay up late with me, laying on the floor by my side when I was working on trials. If I was watching a movie, I’d let her up on the sofa with me to cuddle, even though it was against the rules. If you were home, she wanted to be wherever you were, following you from room to room. Home sick from work, she would lay on the bed with me all day, not wanting to get up unless I did. My comforter on the comforter.

One of my favorite memories was when we celebrated her 10th birthday with a trip to see Kevin and Jacque and all of their pack, and had a puppy birthday party. In the pictures from that day you can see how happy Caloi was, the excitement in her eyes, she knew it was her day. There were wrapped presents (more babies), a dog birthday cake made with carrots and flour and chicken baby food, hats, leis, and a hike to a river for a swim. A very full day to celebrate her milestone. Seeing how much fun all the dogs had, especially Roi, made it a very fun day. Another funny Roi day was when we did the Oregon Humane Society’s Doggie Dash fundraiser walk along the riverfront downtown. Caloi had never seen so many dogs before, and her eyes were so manic and happy, she looked like she might explode from all the excitement. There was the big snow of 2008, when she and Nanny killed the possum. Her training to be a pet therapy dog, where she did really well, up until the end of the training classes when she turned and bit Bridger on the nose. Bridger was an enormous Bernese mountain dog, much bigger than her, but no matter, Caloi got it into her head that he needed to get bit. And even though she never was an offical pet therapy dog, she put that training to use and helped bring comfort to Steve's cousin Casey when she was in the final stages of her battle with cancer.

She loved weekends - she was great at sleeping in - she'd stay in bed as long as you wanted to. And she got eggs in the morning on those days, although the time we gave her a piece of pancake for breakfast she walked around the house with it sticking out of her mouth because she wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. Even her daily bringing in the mail was fun, and she was happy to do it, happy to be helping. And she and Nanny sleeping butt to butt in their beds, waking up happy every morning, but Caloi was always the happiest – my sunshine puppy with the wiggle waggle tail. I feel so very lucky and blessed to have loved her and been loved by her.

Caloi the brave, the true, mighty squirrel hunter, bringer of TV remotes and mail, kisses and cheer, smiter of possums and other dogs, track dog extraordinaire, and Dad’s Best Girl. You were a good girl Caloi. Sweet dreams and rest well, for you have earned it, and though we will miss your sweet gentle spirit, Cheyenne ’s been waiting for you.

Please Stay Outside of the Personal Space Bubble

2011-08-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

DORLEEN: Oh, I get it. You're working me. I like that. I respond to that. Ok. You get me a date with your friend Will, and I'll give you Friday night off to embarrass yourself at that stupid little skit show.

JACK: Oh, but that's so sweet. Thank you, Dorleen.[JACK HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS TO HUG DORLEEN AND SHE JUMPS BACK]

DORLEEN: No! Don't ever come inside this place. [DORLEEN MAKES A MOTION AROUND HER BODY, DRAWING A "FORCE FIELD."]

Excerpt from Will and Grace, episode #4.05, written by Kari Lizer (excerpt and photo courtesy of durfee.net )

I have had several occaisions to invoke the Personal Space Bubble recently. I work with people on a daily basis, and even more than needing a break from physical closeness, when I am away from work I need a break from too much contact with others - period. It can simply get to the point where it's not only draining, but overwhelming and exhausting.

Of course, one of the things I do for stress relief is go to the gym. I go to the gym at hours when there will be even less people than normal, like say, early in the morning (5:00 am) or late at night (11:00 pm). This means even less possibility of having to interact with anyone. I can get there, do my workout, and then go home.

The other night I was there late, and had just finished doing my workout with weights, and was moving on to finish up with some time on one of the ellipticals, say 30 minutes or so of cardio. There were maybe 3or 4 other people in the gym that I could see. There were at least 50 empty elliptical machines. 50! EMPTY! ELLIPTICALS! Awesome. So I pick a machine far away from anyone else, start up the itunes, open the trashy magazine, and get to it. Not even 10 minutes go by before some person, who I do not know, comes and gets on the elliptical machine right next to me.

REALLY?????? The whole freakin' gym is EMPTY. Why oh why would this person need to work out RIGHT NEXT TO ME? There are 50 empty machines spread out across the long floor of the main room. ARE YOU BLIND? (I checked, and no, no she wasn't.) What the hell? I stubbornly refused to acknowledge the person's existence, and kept to my workout, fueled now by the annoyance of being slightly disturbed by someone needing to be so damn close to me for no reason. AAARRRRGHHHH!!!!!

THIS IS MY ALONE TIME. STAY OUTSIDE OF THE PERSONAL SPACE BUBBLE. PLEASE.

I don't get it. It's late, no one's around, you have THE WHOLE DAMN GYM AT YOUR DISPOSAL and you pick the machine next to me. Thank you.

Ingrid on the porch

2011-07-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

Jeff, over at Jeff's Photography Blog, has chided me that Ingrid will feel neglected or have her feelings hurt since I have posted so much about my beloved-but-departed -from -this- world- Cheyenne, so to placate him, and Ingy, here's a new pic. This is Ingrid trying to climb into my lap after work the other day. She can never get as close as she really wants to in order to show me how much she loves me. Gotta love that.

She's also recently lost 7 whole pounds. SEVEN! And proceeds to complain about her diet daily, nightly, anytime she thinks she has an audience. This bowl? My dog bowl? They don't put enough food in it. EVER. I AM STARVING HERE PEOPLE. HELP AN ELDERLY ROTTWEILER OUT, WOULD YOU? It's only going to get worse, since the vet wants her to lose another 4 pounds. Poor, poor Ingy.

Goats!

2011-07-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

There is a herd of goats that is brought in to manicure a huge lot in SE Portland. Makes for a very fun pit stop as they are very curious, and super cute!

Love of My Life - Cheyenne - 1998-2010

2011-07-12T00:52:00.000-07:00

It's been one year, and my heart still aches with how much I miss her. I am reminded daily of how amazing Cheyenne was by her very absence now. She was such a huge presence in my life. Her spirit full of love and grace and joy was my mooring.

Here is an excerpt from an email I wrote the ex-bf last year when he was trying to tell me I'd get over it:

And no, time isn't going to heal this loss. As one of my friends from L.A. put it, "You were always the wolfgirl, it was always you and your wolf, driving around L.A. and having adventures, and that's still how I always picture you." One of my co-workers can't even talk about it with me because he starts tearing up over his best dog ever who died 3 years ago. It'll get more manageable with time, but its never going to heal. I'll always miss her, just like I still miss my Mom and Dad.

For 12.5 years I was Nanny's Mom, and my life was centered around that, that was my anchor, and helped define who I was. "I know I can do anything because I made one of my childhood dreams come true and got to have my own wolf." Sometimes I still can't get over how awesome that is/was, and how really really lucky I have been. No matter what else was going on in my life, she was my family. Now its just me. I am my only family.* And I don't know if I know who I am anymore if I'm not Nanny's mom.

I know it was her time and she was ready to go, but the gaping hole left by her absence sometimes feels like its going to swallow me. And obsessive overwork and working out as coping mechanisms can only do so much. But that's life.

(*Kitty only stands for a quarter of a spot in a family. Nanny took up a whole spot.)

I'm sure at some point I might write a book about her, but not right now. Not yet.

He was trying to tell me I'd get over it because he didn't like to see me cry, was uncomfortable with strong emotions like grief. Life is messy, and it hurts, and you have to live those moments too, have to feel them as hard as you can. He was telling me I'd get over it, but he was wrong.

He. Was. Wrong.

He still is wrong. There are some losses you never get over. Ever. I loved her so much it broke my heart wide open in the very best way. And she gave me so much more in return. She still does. She came to me in a dream two weeks ago, it's only the third time since her passing that she's done that, so I knew to pay attention. (Same thing goes for when my parents show up, they rarely do, so it always means it's important.)

Last night I dreamed that I had Nanny and Ingrid together. I was in a house that was sort of like my house in New Orleans, but it was on a hill, and there were gates, and other apts there. I kept trying to keep Ingrid and Nanny apart, but the people I was housesitting for came home with their kids, and that was when the dogs got mingled together.

Ingrid came running up to Chey, and followed her around, and wound up licking her. I kept a good eye on them, but knowing Nanny was older and more fragile I was concerned. There were kids around, and so at one point even though I was watching Nanny, I was worried about Ingrid off somewhere else and the kids interacting with her. And there was food on the ground and I was worried Ingrid might bite Nanny when Nanny was trying to get the food. But they seemed to do ok together, and Ingrid just kept walking up to her and giving her kisses and being sweet.

I woke up happy and with a full heart. Nanny, thanks for reminding me that I will always be your Mom. I will love you and miss you forever.

Bad Parents and Marriage...

2011-07-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

"One thing I know is that it is a bad idea to marry someone who had bad parents. If they hated their mother, if they were hated by their mother or father, your marriage will pay for it in ways both obvious and subtle. When the chips are down, when someone is sick or loses their job or gets scared, the old patterns will kick in and he will treat you the way he treated his mother or the way she treated him."

— Ellen Gilchrist

I love this quote, but I cannot find if this is something Ellen Gilchrist said herself, or of it's from one of her books. Anyone know?

Happy 4th of July!

2011-07-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone is out and about and doing something fun!

Ingrid Sings for her supper

2011-06-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

My sweet silly baby hippo weighed in at 116 pounds last week! She is now on a diet, and sings for her supper:

Balloons for my birthday

2011-06-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was the perfect sort of meandering day for me, full of planned and unplanned things, which always seems to allow for fabulous unexpected surprises.

It started with coffee, of course. Then Ingrid had an appointment to get her nails clipped, or as the vet tech said, "I have Ingrid down for a manicure at 9." The giggles erupted after that remark! Though once there, we decided it was technically a mani/pedi since all four paws were being done. My pampered happy hippo princess...

Then car stuff, oil changes and other engine matters, where I got to sit and finish reading Girls in Trucks, by Katie Crouch. (I love doing errands that let me read, it never feels indulgent because I AM GETTING THINGS DONE.) I had read Men and Dogs and liked it, but by the end of Girls in Trucks I was grinning and laughing and smiling. She definitely gets the southern-girl-romantic-crazy thing down cold. And the ending was so damn honest.

Next up, the car wash. Then a stop in to work to get a few quick things and talk to some friends. One friend was so nice it caused me to tear up - it always gets me (in a good way) when a friend can say a simple thing that lets you know they not only care about you, but they see you and in that seeing, they understand you.

Birthday indulgence for the day was a hair appointment. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my hair stylist. Have been going to her for about 5 years now, she was there doing my hair when I first started dating the ex-bf, and even did his hair for a while when we were together. Our lives have had some parallels and it's always so nice to sit and gossip and catch up with her. Total relaxation and fun.

Afterwards more errands (the house needed fresh flowers) and home to start another book ( A Dangerous Age, by Ellen Gilchrist ) and open the bottle of 2008 Argyle Reserve Pinot Noir that was waiting for me and nibble on some good chocolate while reading in the garden. Simple. Sweet. Perfect.

Jeff, over at Cranial Aperture called to wish me a happy birthday and wanted to take me for some frozen yogurt. We both had dogs to walk, so agreed on him coming to pick me up afterwards. Slight change in plans, instead, let's go to the Tigard Balloon Festival and watch the sunset, then get the frozen yogurt. Of course I was game, so off we went.

Again, it was simple and perfect. We wandered around the grounds talking and laughing and taking photos. When we found the rides I had to take a turn on the bumper cars. Not a huge fan of carnival rides (because of the unreliability of the equipment), but bumper cars never leave the ground so you don't have to worry about anything catastrophic happening if they break. There were two little boys that were about 10, who were wearing multi-colored Mohawk hats and devilish grins, and we slammed into each other in the bumper cars with much laughter.

We played some of the carnival games, and the dart throw was my big winner. I got a pink monkey for Ingrid and YoGabbaGabba's Muno for me. As the sun was setting it made the flames stand out even more, so Jeff wanted to take more photos, and even wound up being ballast for one basket:

It was a great way to end the day. And just what I needed.

I have had so much turmoil about this impending birthday, and June is such a difficult month for me anyway, and I have been so damn hard on my self for not being exactly where I think I should be in my life, and somehow yesterday: I LET IT ALL GO.

None of it mattered and I had an incredibly nice and simple and perfect day. I was surrounded by love and kindness and good wishes from friends, and let it wash all over me and keep me afloat, and it washed all the shoulds/if-onlys/coulds/ and all those other words and expectations away, and allowed me to JUST BE.

Damn, but I am a lucky, lucky girl. Blessed, happy, lucky, and grateful for all of the good in my life. Happy birthday to me.

And I wish that same happiness of a perfect day for everyone.

honey to end all honeys....

2011-06-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

"I don't believe you ever stop loving anyone you ever really loved. You have them there like money in the bank just because you loved them and held them in your arms or dreamed you did. You can forget a lot of things in life, but not that honey to end all honeys." ---

from A Dangerous Age by Ellen Gilchrist

How to Use a Murphy Bed

2011-06-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

Ever since I saw someone get stuck in a Murphy bed on tv, I've always wanted to see if you really could fold someone up in a Murphy bed. This past week had some friends who were game to try, so we did! And it turns out you can shut someone up in a Murphy bed!

(I think it was on I Love Lucy, but cannot find anything online.)

Stupid

2011-06-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

"There are so few people given us to love and they all stick."

2011-06-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

There are so few people given us to love. I want to tell my daughters this, that each time you fall in love it is important, even at nineteen. Especially at nineteen. And if you can, at nineteen, count the people you love on one hand, you will not, at forty, have run out of fingers on the other. There are so few people given us to love and they all stick. ----

The Gathering, by Anne Enright

Re-reading old journals and I copied this out over Valentine's weekend in 2008. Doing some digging....

True life rom-com moment,

2011-06-07T00:48:00.000-07:00

otherwise known as productivity fail. Ugh. (Although I am saving this for future use in my book/play/screenplay. If you can't mine your own ridiculousness, what's the point?)

This totally serves me right after watching How Do You Know? and having an A-HA moment over an ex about it. I'll paint the picture.

Intense Saturday that was spent with a hardcore weight workout at 7:00 am with the trainer. All upper body lactic acid bombing, so arms, shoulders chest are sore. Then errands and home to do gardening in the morning, transplanting my veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, brussels, cabbage) to bigger pots for my container garden. Next up, a 6 mile run along the Willamette to kick off distance training for this year's Hood to Coast race. The sun is so bright and its damn hot, and I am tired, but it feels so good to be outside and sweating! I've missed the sun this long freezing rainy winter without end.

Home to shower and eat, hang on the porch with Ingrid. Then later on engaging in retail therapy to compensate for guy who was supposed to call "I will DEFINITELY see you when I get back" not calling. (Good grief. If you don't want to see someone again, just keep it to the simple and expected lie of 'I'll call you.' That way there are no expectations, and no big let-downs. Of course, generally you expect to see someone again after a successful 6 hour date, but, hey, clearly all that laughing wasn't real. I tend not to give away 6 hours to someone I have no interest in seeing again, but maybe that's just my weird quirkiness. I dunno.)

So. That's the backstory. On to the story with me as the punchline. (Although now that I think about it, maybe I was the punchline on the 6 hour date!) Ok, ok, back to main story again:

Sunday morning. Not as sunny as Saturday. Tired but that good tired that comes from physical exertion. Coffee on the porch with the dog. A nice slow way to greet the day. After lunch, head in to the office to do a few things. And this is where it all went bad.

To warm up to work, I pay a few bills online, including downtown work parking. Check status of some emails, check bank balance. Oh look, ex-bf has cashed the check for the car that gets sent on time every month. Check emails, and oh look, ex-bf hasn't sent the accounting update he is supposed to send every month after getting the check. He's been late with this/had issues with this before, click on his last month's email to see how late/when to expect it. And here. Right here. With that one click. This is where IT GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL.

Turns out, recent computer network updates have deleted all my yearly email archives. That one click brought up every single email I ever got from him. OH YES. From the beginning of the courtship. AND YES, YES I DID. I READ EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

You are shaking your head at me, silly silly girl, not a lick of sense in my head, but I would be willing to bet many others would have done the same. Or at least been tempted to do so.

A lovely sight I must have been, sitting at my office desk, just bawling over 5 year old emails full of hope and promise and declarations of love, and in the process going through an entire box of tissues. Then the lovely thought-monster creeps in and starts asking those crappy questions that cannot be answered, like 'how do you go from that to taking someone completely for granted?'

I will say, the emails were not an accurate reflection of what was happening through the course of that relationship. And after reading them (through a haze of tears, but still) I was struck by how polite and respectful I always was, even when things were not going well. And even prouder of the communications when it was over and the really bad stuff was going on.

(Note - this does NOT mean I was always that way when in-person communications were happening, or even telephone ones. I am oh-so-human, and VERY FLAWED. There was LOTS OF YELLING at various times. Counting to 100 is something I am working on.)

But the main thing is, for me, emails are still a place to be polite. Relationships are a place to be polite, and real, and respectful. And it should come easily to always treat the person you love with respect.

Even though it was pretty pathetic (as well as slightly masochistic) to sit there for at least an hour and read all of those damn emails and cry, it also reminded me of how hopeful and passionate and committed I am when I love someone. It still makes me sad it didn't work out, but HE really blew it, not me. I was completely in it, all the way to the end. I really hope I get to feel that much love and hope and passion about/for/with someone again. Because as scary as it is, it's also like flying. Ever the goofy optimist, I guess.

I mean, part of why I was crying was for that sweet hopeful girl of 5 years ago. She had NO CLUE what she was in for, but man, was she ever game for WHATEVER it was gonna be! Poor kid, my heart goes out to her for the pain she doesn't see coming, but somehow I think she'll make it through. With a few scars, but she'll get through it.

Romantic Comedy that almost succeeds....

2011-06-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

Watched this the other night. Great cast, all likeable and watchable, and you do root for the two main characters to get together, but it felt a little off. Kind of a bummer, because it had some great moments. And watching Owen Wilson as Matty, I swear he was impersonating an ex-bf of mine, with the exception that Matty was much nicer and happier than the ex-bf. The last bit of the trailer kind of nails it.

Worth watching, at any rate. Paul Rudd is underused as a comic leading man, I wish someone would write a great movie for him. Reese is cute and believable, Kathryn Hahn is great, and Nicholson is Nicholson.

Multnomah Falls

2011-05-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

Still gloomy weather here in Portland, but that doesn't mean you have to stay indoors. Last weekend went to Multnomah Falls and hiked around a bit.

Everything is certainly lush with green, it's the sunshine and flowers that I am waiting for.

Love the drive out 84 through the Columbia Gorge. Even when it's overcast it takes my breath away.

Saturday morning walk

2011-05-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

Woke super early this morning because I had a 6 am session with the personal trainer. Ouch! Need. More. Coffee.

Seriously, I kept taking coffee breaks during the workout rather than water breaks.
But once I am up, I am up for the day.

Home again, got the baby hippo haltered and we went for a nice long walk that was filled with chickens, squirrels, roosters, cats, and all the beautiful blooming flowers around the neighborhood. Great way to start the weekend. Hope your weekend is a good one too.

"...love is a scary thing."

2011-05-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

Of course, Mary knew. She'd been in love with the man, and love is a scary thing. If not reciprocated, it can turn a person into a monster. Mary had recovered, but the wounds ran deep. ---- The Handbook for Lightning Strike Survivors, by Michele Young-Stone

Life List - Hawaii - North Shore pics

2011-05-16T00:17:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been overscheduled, even for me, so these are quite late. On Tuesday afternoon I drove all around the island to the North Shore, stopping to take pictures of whatever struck me as gorgeous (which was pretty much everything). Here are just a few of them:

This is Makapuu Beach, which turned out to be one of my favorite beaches. I returned several times during my stay.

I loved this decaying building. A friend had taken pictures of it a few years earlier when she visited, and I was looking for it on my drive. It used to be an insane asylum. I really liked the light here.

The goal of driving to the North Shore was to check out the huge 25 - 30 foot waves that had been caused by the tsunami earlier in the week. Of course I got hungry, after all, I'd gone Stand Up Paddleboarding at eight am, then hiked up Diamondhead, and had been in the car for a few hours. So I pulled over to grab a bite at one of the local shrimp trucks, the Shark's Cove. The combo plate of grilled ahi tuna and shrimp skewers with pesto was incredible. I also wound up with a new friend who decided to join me at my table.

Now for pictures of Waimea Bay and the waves. I was sunburned, with a warm belly full of good food, and happy to sit on the beach watching the surfers, the waves, and finally the sunset. A magical day.

"Some dreams..."

2011-04-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

"Some dreams you leave behind, " the vadzimu answered, her voice especially old and dessicated today. "Some dreams you discard along your way, like your baby clothes. They litter your past, like small corpses, like dead skins." --

from The House of Discarded Dreams, by Ekaterina Sedia

Really enjoying this book right now. Right here at the linked title is the review that made me want to read it: Ekaterina Sedia goes out to sea and takes us with her, it's from Chasing Ray.

Static Cling Fail, otherwise known as Embarrassing Workout Moment #27

2011-04-21T22:39:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been hectic, days crammed to bursting with things to be done, and appointments to get to, which stretches my time-management skills to the limit. Today was a full day at work spent rushing between place to place, meeting to hearing to meeting, phone calls to answer and return, and so forth. Then a work-related social engagement to attend, and of course home to feed and walk the dog. This is generally a highlight of the day, as Miss Ingrid is always so darn excited and happy to see me, and even more excited about the prospect of dinner. Have I mentioned the drool? This one drools. A lot.

Once she'd been fed and walked, it was time to change clothes and rush off to the gym for a workout with the personal trainer. This is a relatively new obligation in my life. I am healthy and active as always, but felt like I needed a little help to get to my next fitness goal. So far it's going great, M kicks my butt twice a week, and sends me off with workouts to do in-between my workouts with her.

Tonight I was rushing, grabbed my workout pants and pulled them on, tossed on a clean t-shirt, laced up my running shoes and ran out the door. Once at the gym we went over some things, including my journal of what I'm eating. I get annoyed at having to write down everything I eat every day, but have to admit that it's quite effective at getting me to eat healthier since I know she'll be reading it. (Trust me, if I choose Cadbury Easter Eggs over vegetables, the workouts go from being merely brutal to unbearably painful.)

Legs were on the agenda, so we started off with step-ups with a leg lift. As I was counting out my 15 on my right leg, while holding 20 pounds of dumbbells, all of sudden M asks, "Did you do laundry today?"

"Yes, why?" And she starts to turn red as she points down to the platform, where a black lace thong has clearly dropped off of my clothes and is just laying there, right where I'd been standing. OOOPS! I quickly reached down, grabbed them, and stuffed them in the back of my waistband.

"Oh well, at least they're clean," I shrugged, and kept on doing my step-ups while I saw my face in the mirror turning a bright shade of pink. We laughed about it for a few minutes, and kept on going. Poor M, I think she was more embarrassed than I was. Although it certainly didn't make her any more lenient for the rest of the workout.

Life List - Hawaii - Diamondhead

2011-04-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

Day 2 continued with me driving to Diamondhead State Monument and hiking up to the top to enjoy the breeze (wind) and views.

One of the things that struck me throughout my brief stay on Oahu was how incredibly clear the water is. The blues are simply breathtaking. Below is a view towards the eastern side of the island.

Here is a view looking back into the crater itself, and some of the steps that have to be climbed on the way to the top.

Looking northwest towards Waikiki.

Hawaiian Ice

View from within the crater.

Life List - Hawaii - Stand Up Paddleboard

2011-04-05T01:33:00.000-07:00

Hawaii - Morning of Day 2 - Tuesday

It all started with a big splash! Yuk, Yuk.

I had looked at taking a Stand Up Paddle lesson (SUP) before going on vacation, and the place I chose was Gone Surfing Hawaii. JoJo is an awesome instructor - patient, smart, funny, and really clear with her instructions. She picked me up before 8 am, and we headed to the beach.

First she explained the basic techniques, and demonstrated with the board and paddle on the beach. Then she had me practice the basics several times before telling me, "Don't worry about it, you'll forget everything once you're out in the water," while flashing her always-present smile.

She was right, of course.

The great thing about water sports - when you mess up and fall, it doesn't hurt!

So this what I remember: you lay on the board and paddle out a ways. Then crouch on your hands and knees, and from that position squat back and drop your butt as low as possible with your feet turned out before standing. When you're standing, you want to have your knees soft, sort of in a demi-plie' stance because that helps with balancing. I actually found the straighter I stood, with knees bent, the easier it was to keep my balance.

It took me a while to really keep how to turn with the paddle straight in my head, but after a while it was easier to remember. Once I felt fairly stable and could relax about not falling, it became very fun to just paddle on out and enjoy the sunshine, ocean and incredible views.

That's Diamond Head off in the distance. Because we got going fairly early in the morning there weren't very many people out in the water, mainly some surfers, and one or two other folks doing SUP. I was never worried about running into anyone else, and it wasn't hard to change directions when necessary. The other very fun thing, once I had really gotten the hang of SUP, JoJo let me ride some waves in on my knees.

It was a beautiful morning.

SUP may be more peaceful and easy-going than surfing, but its still a great workout. The next day my stomach muscles were killing me! It does have me hooked, I am thinking about buying a board of my own when the weather warms up here.

Once the lesson was over and we were out of the water and had grabbed our coffees, JoJo gave me some tips for places to go while I was in town. We also started making arrangements for me to either rent a SUP Thursday morning, or take a surfing lesson. Then she dropped me back at my hotel, where I made my plans for the rest of the day. One more item crossed off my Life List - all in a morning's work!

Super-Optimist! - Well that explains it...

2011-03-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

This weekend I indulged in some of my favorite down-time activities on a lazy Sunday morning: drinking coffee, hanging with the dog, and reading magazines. One of those magazines happened to be O, and I took the quiz How Optimistic Are You?

My score, you ask? Why, it was Super-Optimist! This is what it said:

You are one of the few super-optimists. Only 10 percent of people score above 10 points. You typically dismiss the likelihood of grief—because no matter how events unfold, you are confident in your ability to shape situations to your advantage. But it wouldn’t hurt to be a little more cautious. Research has found that super-optimists tend to be prone to unrealistic expectations. When they're driving, for example, they often believe that they're invulnerable to crashing.

Wow. While I do not disagree with this result, I have to say I felt an enormous wave of relief when reading it. My love life over the past several decades distilled to its very essence by one quiz!

Seriously, the pieces all just clicked into place for me:

A) "wouldn't hurt to be more cautious"   CHECK!
B) "prone to unrealistic expectations"     CHECK!
C) "often believe they won't crash"          CHECK!

Well, ok, maybe not so much with "C", but "A" and "B"? Most certainly. Isn't identifying the problem half the battle? I sure hope so. (Hunkering down, hunkering down.)

PS - I scored an 11, so just over the 10 point cut-off.

Stay tuned...more Hawaii adventures later this week....

Life List - Go to Hawaii!

2011-03-28T01:31:00.000-07:00

HAWAII. IS. AWESOME.

March has been productive in terms of my Life List and updated Life List 2. But to talk about this adventure, a brief backstory is necessary. You see, a trip to Hawaii was originally planned with the ex-bf for December of 2008, and then subsequently cancelled by him. (I am not going to go into the details, but the short answer is, the reasons he cancelled it were all baloney, his primary being, "You can't afford it.") Believe me when I say that his cancelling that trip was the beginning of the end of that relationship.

Ok, all this to explain that getting my butt to Hawaii was not only a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT, but also a very bittersweet one. I went by myself, I had a lovely and amazing time, but I also had some dark teatime of the soul nights while I was there. And I'd do it again. IT. WAS. AMAZING.

The view flying in....

And here is the view of Waikiki from the south.

Its rainy and cold right now in Oregon, (and is like this from November to May), which was a HUGE part of the motivation to head to warm, sunny, beautiful Hawaii. I also like to plan my vacation getaways with exertion and rest fairly equally distributed, so to kick this adventure off right, I decided to run a 15K race the day before I left. Some friends and I ran the Shamrock Run , (link goes to course map), a fun event that raises money for the local Children's Hospital. I have run in this race several times, done the 5K and the 8K, but never the 15K, til this year. You'll note from the course map that it is twisty turny for the first SIX MILES. Which also happens to be ALL UPHILL. Then, lucky you, the last 3 miles is mainly downhill. Being a bit of a goof, and generally overconfident in my athletic ability, combined with a ridiculously calorie-restricted diet, I didn't train at all. My longest runs were roughly 4 miles, and I still played indoor soccer, but that was it from January to March. It was a VERY LONG 15 MILES FOR ME. But I did it, in the rain and the cold, without stopping (I had friends waiting for me to finish, which kept me going - I hate to lose face) and ran a respectable 1 hour 38 minutes, so my pace was about 10:30 a mile. My crazy friends finished in 1 hour 2 minutes and 1 hour 15 minutes. But they generally kick ass. At least they waited for me to finish, and then we all went out to brunch.

The next morning I got to sleep on the plane, which was perfect because I was EXHAUSTED.

Once in Waikiki, warm humid air greeted me, and it was wonderful. I had a rental car, (thank you priceline.com!) and headed off to my hotel. I stayed at a really cool place with kitchenettes only 2 blocks from the beach called The Royal Grove. It has a Steinbeck/Cannery Row and Hemingway/Key West kind of feeling, very offbeat so not for everyone, but I loved it. They are very nice and attentive, the rooms are clean, they have a couple of restaurants attached, books in the lobby if you need them, and even floats and boogie boards for you to borrow.

Unpacked, changed into swimsuit and coverup, and walked to the beach. I was so tired, and so deliriously happy to see sunshine, I walked up and down the beach for over an hour before finally picking a spot to settle down and read/swim/tan.

It was a really gorgeous day.

After swimming, reading, body surfing, and generally basking in the glorious sunshine for as long as I could, I grabbed a healthy salad and made my way back to the hotel to shower. Then headed back out to watch the sunset. And that was Day 1.

More to come....

Sunset Waikiki

2011-03-25T08:48:00.001-07:00

Sunset Waikiki last night, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

Gone Fishin' (sort of...)

2011-03-18T00:49:00.000-07:00

Currently knocking things off of my Life List...back soon with the details...this is a random view from a quiet beach on Oahu's East Shore...

Ah hell, love sucks.

2011-03-09T19:18:00.000-08:00

"I’m tired and I’m sick to death of being without you."

- Graham Greene, The End of the Affair via

Saw this last night over at Squandrous, and it brought tears to my eyes. Had a dream with the boy and my mother in it last week. I almost never dream of either of them, but especially not my Mom. And dreams of her since she passed away always hold a special significance for me.

Even though I have ventured into dating, its no use, I am not over him. And likely will never be. And that's ok. There are worse things that can happen than knowing someone is the love of your life and that it will never work out. Trust me, there are MUCH worse things that can happen in a life.

That said, love still sucks. Its wonderful, awesome, amazing, scary, incredible, electrifying, mortifying, crazy-making, fabulous, uplifting, joyous and it still sucks.

Happy Girl

2011-03-06T11:10:00.000-08:00

She has a goofball sense of humor. Such a wonderful quality in a dog.

Chh chh chh changes!

2011-03-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

Right now there are huge subterranean changes taking place in my life. Not much that can be seen on the surface, but lots and lots of rumblings in those deep dark and hidden places. Reading lots and lots to feed the pysche...and had one of those weird bad to good to bad to good to oh crap! kind of days so did a tarot reading.

And Behold! Dead to rights:

The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background.

The Death card in this position suggests that you have been pruned before. You have come to learn that the process of death and rebirth is highly beneficial in the long run. Even though it is always a challenge, you have learned to not resist the sickle as it sweeps through your field and prepares it for the dormancy of winter.

You know how to let go of old attachments and entanglements. You have been stripped down to what is truly essential before and have experienced the freedom of it. For now, hunker down and wait out the dark times. Focus on the benefits of transformation.

So, the instincts are right. It's hunker down, study up and fortify the battlements time.....

I Wake Up Happy Now

2011-02-26T09:24:00.001-08:00

In the ache

of remembering
what I think I have lost

(the unborn possibilities, the lost potential)

missing you
I realize
Suddenly:

I wake up happy now.

It seems that
what I have really lost
are stressful mornings,
belly full of knots
waiting, waiting,
for the yelling, the screaming,
anger spiky like your hair,
at me, the dog, your job, your life.
Never knowing when
the explosion will hit.

I wake up happy now.

It bears repeating:

I
Wake
Up
Happy
Now.

Swan in lagoon, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

Swan in lagoon, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

Bowling Monkeys & Tab Benoit

2011-02-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

For some mid-week fun. Tab Benoit chatting with an audience and dealing with a heckler. The monkey story starts at about 4:40.

I just saw Tab and the Voice of the Wetlands Allstars at The Aladdin Theater here in Portland - and they were great, they played for FOUR HOURS! My friends and I danced all night. Tab is pretty funny when he starts talking to the audience.

Ingrid, or, I Seem to Have Acquired Another Dog

2011-02-13T13:02:00.000-08:00

Ingrid at the shelter

This sweetheart is Ingrid, a 10 year old Rottie found wandering some busy streets by local animal control. She is microchipped, but the databases have no info, so she was never registered. I wound up visiting her at Multnomah County Animal Control , where they have lots of adoptable dogs and cats, and she was an absolute sweetheart. The next day found me back there filling out an adoption application, and visiting her again. Got approved, and now she's snoring on a dog bed in the living room.

In the car on the way home

We are still in the getting-to-know-one-another stage. Because she was a stray, I have no history on her, no idea about her behaviors, triggers, or any discipline issues. Right now I am simply intent on establishing a good connection with her, letting her know she's safe, and making sure she knows I am the alpha. We've been doing walks, she knows basic commands and has picked up some new ones, and does well in the car. She is slowly getting used to being in the house with me puttering around and going in and out, and not needing to jump up and follow me to make sure I am coming back.

We had our visit with my vet today to do a complete physical and run some bloodwork. So far everything looks good. Everyone loved her as she is very sweet with new people, and she was super happy about the treats. So happy, in fact, that she though the ear thermometer was a treat and tried to eat it too. She does need to lose some more weight, she was 113 pounds at the shelter, and today was at 107. The vet thinks an even 100 would probably be ideal. I am thinking that with regular walks and decent measured diet, she should get there in no time.

In the living room with a bone

Think she knows she's home?

Valentine Farce

2011-02-08T21:12:00.000-08:00

My Valentine horoscope from Rob Brezny. The man is accurate, that's for damn sure.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your love story has elements of a farce mixed
with a soap opera, fairy tale, and ghost story. For a normal human being,
it might be too intense and convoluted to deal with; it requires so much
willing suspension of disbelief and involves so much letting go of certainty
that no one in their right mind would agree to its demands. Luckily, you're
not a normal human being these days, and you're not particularly in your
right mind. That's why I say unto you: Ride this snaky tale for all it's
worth. Enjoy every plot twist and riddle as if you've been given an epic
myth you can ponder and learn from for the next ten years. Happy
Valentine Daze, Cancerian!

Image from here

1st Goal of 2011 reached!

2011-02-03T07:47:00.000-08:00

So, I should probably file this under Life List - Quality of Life. My first big achievement to cross off for 2011 was to get caffeine-free (meaning no more caffeinated coffee) in 30 days. And I did it as of January 30th!

I love love love coffee, but the caffeine gets me too hyper, and then I get to the point where I keep drinking it, and my stress levels pop, and its this vicious cycle. So, now only decaf. I love the smell, the ritual of coffee, and it brings back so many sense memories for me from when I was quite small, of my parents having coffee and talking together at the kitchen table every morning before Dad would go to work. One of my friends wants me to stay away from decaf, and at some point I will look into alternatives, but for now, just happy the caffeine-habit is kicked!

Time to update the Life List again. First one here, second one here. I also am now trained in canine and feline first aid and CPR, which is another goal I wanted to accomplish. Took a four-hour class a couple of weeks ago. There was even a doggy-dummy for us to practice CPR on!

And while I'm checking off Life List stats, I'm now on 2 indoor soccer teams, volunteering again, and training for a 9 mile run that happens in March. Also planning a long overdue vacation. Phew! Its been a busy beginning to 2011!

Random Kindness

2011-01-29T21:17:00.000-08:00

Today has been an odd but good day. I am fighting off whatever crud has been going around, so am not feeling completely myself, but can tell its going away. Went to bed early last night, slept in a little, then off for a few hours of volunteer work at PAW Team.

Then errands and home to rest up some more. My co-ed indoor soccer team has a game tonight at midnight and I've been needing to get a few more t-shirts in a darker blue color for this particular team's games. So a quick run to Goodwill was in order. Of course, once in Goodwill and the perfect t-shirts were located, I had to browse some of the other clothes. At the check-out, the woman who was ringing me up and I were chatting, we talked about football, her team (Green Bay) is going to the Super Bowl so she's excited, and we both agreed Green Bay was better off without Brett Farve. Then just as I was leaving, and wishing her a good night, she suddenly looks at me says, "I hope all your dreams come true."

Well, wow.

Talk about unexpected. I smiled and said "Thank you." And walked to my car with a huge grin on my face. She made my night. Such a nice and random and completely unexpected thing hear when you are in line at the checkout. But pretty cool too. Made me renew my promise to myself to keep trying to spread niceness and happiness whenever I can too. Because it clearly can make a difference. It just did for me.

Ariel Undignified

2011-01-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

Hubert & Cake

2011-01-27T22:49:00.000-08:00

Hubert in a rare moment of stillness. It was Jeff's birthday this month, and he chose Dove Vive for his birthday dinner. I had never been before and was looking forward to trying their pizza, which is made with a cornmeal crust. We got there right before the restaurant started to fill up, and everything was wonderful.

We went back to Jeff's for birthday cake, and here both Hubert and Johan are patiently waiting for their pieces. Poor pups, since it's chocolate - none for you!

Pizza and cake all in one night - quite the treat! Add the pups, and you've got the perfect party. Of course, I then went home and collapsed into a food coma.....

New Social Event Gift Registry

2011-01-18T07:43:00.000-08:00

I spent much of the weekend shopping for presents for baby and wedding showers. I love my friends, but the past 4-5 years has been pretty constant with weddings and babies. (Really, the past 20 years, but law school has made the past 5 years particularly productive in this regard. Its what happens when you go back to school later in life. ) And as someone who for most of those years thought that I'd be in that contingent of wedding and baby showers, its been equal parts fun, joyful, and also envy-inducing.

At this point in my life, it seems fairly safe to say that while I could get married, it is highly improbable I'll have kids. And this makes me sad, but hey, that's life, it isn't fair, and no one ever said you can always get what you want. (Oh, wait, my Mom the living Disney princess did. But that's another story for another time.)

So while I was walking through an aisle of 10 million diapers in Babies R Us or one of those stores, completely overwhelmed with trying to find a gift on the several pages of pre-printed baby gift registry, I started thinking that there needs to be another gift giving registry. One for those friends who haven't gotten married or had kids yet, so none of you have had to buy any presents for them, even though they've bought presents for you.

How about a registry for gifts if you've made it to 40 without getting married? Because CONGRATULATIONS - you also NEVER GOT A DIVORCE EITHER! Hooray on not having kids and not getting divorced by 40! Woot woot!

I am serious. Those of us unmarrieds without kids have not inflicted horrible bridesmaids dresses on our friends, although we may have suffered through them out of love for you. We have also not bored you friends to tears with every single detail of our nonexistent childrens' first year of life. (Let's be honest parents - the only kids you find truly fascinating are your own.)*

How about a little reward, a party with gifts, a reception with dance - to celebrate reaching 40 while taking complete care of one's self? Perhaps we could even call it marrying oneself? Well, maybe not. The title for the party and gift registry could use some work. But the concept? It's sound. And I have a whole lot of single friends who'd love the chance to get some great housewares to really finish off their apartments or houses.

* Disclaimer - I LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends' kids, and all my nieces and nephews, and even the dog and cat nieces and nephews. You are all fascinating and brilliant to me.

Dreams of Trees

2011-01-11T23:56:00.000-08:00

Last night in my dreams the trees were running.

Such a lovely odd sentence. I haven't a clue what running trees symbolize, or what the dream means at all. But after I woke up, and all day today, that one sentence has been flashing in my mind, so I figured I better write it down.

The trees were big, but they weren't Ents, not quite so large, they were green, evergreens, tall, and they were running. They had long brown root-legs, which I guess you could call Entish-like. And I was running. And I had these weird little sleeve-kind-of things that were like branches, so I was dressed like the trees. And was running too. I was on a sidewalk near a street and I think it was a busy street and at some point I fell. When I looked up was when I noticed the trees were running, and then I noticed I was dressed like them. That's when I started looking for help, because I have no idea what we were running from, or if it was even the same thing.

Makes me a little nervous to fall asleep and dream tonight.....

Zonked Out, Plus Howls

2011-01-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

An old picture of Cheyenne, sleeping so hard she rested her head on the bricks of the fireplace. (It was not in use at the time.) From 2008.

Its winter. Everyone is sleeping or sleepy or moving slower, so it seemed fitting. Hibernating and incubating. Dreaming. Transforming.

Kitty and I were hanging out on the couch last night, well I was hanging out on the couch and she would occasionally come and visit me, then leave, then come back again for a bit, then leave. Its her usual method of hanging out. At one point she was on the blanket, purring while I was petting her, and she does this thing where she will put her head in my open hand, just rest it there, and purr, eyes closed, happy. She conveys such total trust, love and happiness when she does this, it melts my heart. (I have never gotten a picture of it because its always a random and unexpected occurrence.)

When she did this last night it reminded me of other such sweet moments, with her, and with Chey. With Chey I kept thinking of her beautiful happy wolf howls of greeting. She would raise that nose up to the sky, open her throat and let go with a long and melodious AWOOO-OOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOO. It was usually a three-parter, or perhaps three syllable, howl, often with the third syllable lingering on the longest. She didn't give them every day, only when she was really really happy to see you. No matter how crappy the day may have been, returning home to such a joyful, soulful loving greeting made me rise up to meet her in kind, and howl back. Because I was ALWAYS very very happy to see her too.

We tried to capture her howls on video and audio, but because they were unexpected and unpredictable we never did. I don't need that to remember, but its a shame I do not have any recording of it to share, because it is really a beautiful and unforgettable joyful sound.

Kitty sleeps in

2011-01-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning Ariel was snoring, so I pulled a blanket up for her and she snuggled in even more. Its been very cold lately, so this morning I followed her lead, burrowed deeper in my blankets and slept in a little too.

Traditional New Year's Day Dinner, But Twisted

2011-01-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

Growing up in the south, the traditional New Year's Day Dinner has always been black-eyed peas and collard greens, or sometimes cabbage, but definitely blackeyed peas and some sort of greens. From wikipedia:

In the Southern United States,the peas are typically cooked with a pork product for flavoring (such as bacon, ham bones, fatback, or hog jowl), diced onion, and served with a hot chili sauce or a pepper-flavored vinegar.The traditional meal also features collard, turnip, or mustard greens, and ham. The peas, since they swell when cooked, symbolize prosperity; the greens symbolize money; the pork, because pigs root forward when foraging, represents positive motion. Cornbread also often accompanies this meal.

My version today:

I did things a little differently than usual this year, sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidentally. One of the intentional twists involved truffle oil, a Christmas gift from a good friend. I sliced and stripped the collard greens, next sauteed them in a mix of extra virgin olive oil and truffle oil, and sprinkled them with black pepper and salt with truffle oil. (The pretty containers are behind the plate in the picture.)

For the blackeyed peas, this year I marinated them in a sweet white pinot grigio with chopped onion, black and white pepper, and garlic powder. Usually I make a roux to start the peas, but this year I didn't, because I just plain forgot about the roux! I'd like think this helped keep the marinade as the focal point as the base of the dish.

Lastly, I paired everything with an '09 Trapiche Pinot Noir, a nice and affordable choice, with very full flavor.

So, my good luck 2011 dinner will hopefully be an omen of change and prosperity to come this year - traditional but with a twist.

Happy 1/1/11!

Goodbye to 2010....

2010-12-31T17:55:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am attending one of my favorite kinds of New Year's Eve parties - a party of one. Cocktail in hand, just baked black-eyed pea dip out of the oven, and fire roaring, I am ready to reflect on the past year and make a few plans for the next one.

Its been a year of full ups and downs, distinguished in large part by how big the gaps have been between those ups and downs.

2010 will always stand out for me as the time I said goodbye to my sweet girl, Cheyenne. Said hello to an old love, and then said goodbye again. Worked hard at a job I love, volunteered for some organizations that are close to my heart, and spent time with my wonderful friends, in the flesh and online. The love and support I get from all of my friends sustains me and fills me with joy and gratitude.

This past week was spent with a mind towards tying up some loose ends, including finalizing some things with the ex-bf, Caloi's Dad. Some loose ends were tied, and others were loosed to the point of opening something up completely, and the lesson there seems to be there's no such thing in all the world as an ending. No matter the ambiguity it causes, it was good to be able to spend some time with my beautiful, liquid brown eyed Caloi, she is pure love.

So I am off to relax and reflect, and wish all of you a Happy Happy New Year! May it be safe and filled with joy and the promise of things to come!

Excellent NYT article on forgiveness...

2010-12-29T07:06:00.000-08:00

Money quote:

Why forgive?...........when the requisite conditions are met, forgiveness is what a good person would seek because it expresses fundamental moral ideals. These include ideals of spiritual growth and renewal; truth-telling; mutual respectful address; responsibility and respect; reconciliation and peace.

by Charles L. Griswold

Link to full article here: On Forgiveness

Blast from Christmas Past

2010-12-24T11:35:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

Ten Tips for Online Dating – Profiles to Avoid

2010-12-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

Ten Tips for Online Dating – Profiles to Avoid

As I find myself single again, I have decided to venture into the world of online dating. (Really slowly, just dipping my toes in the water again.) My first and only other venture into it was over 4 years ago, when I wound up only agreeing to meet one person, who I then was in a 3 year live-in relationship with. The fact that it ended does not mean the venture was completely unsuccessful, it just means that it ultimately didn’t work out. However, it’s pretty amazing how some things have not changed a bit in 4 years time.
So, here are some things I encountered both then and now, and some hopefully helpful suggestions on some profiles to avoid:

1. If they don’t have any pictures on their profile. What are they hiding? – DELETE.

2. If the person isn’t smiling in any of their pictures, they are unhappy people in general, why would you ever want to date them? – DELETE.

3. If the person says “no drama” that is a dead giveaway that THEY are all about the drama – DELETE.

4. If all of their pictures were taken by them on their cell phone, this means that they have NO FRIENDS – DELETE.

5. If there are any remarks in their profile that refer to past relationships, such as, “I’ve been told I am not a good listener,” this means they are full of bitter rage and resentment towards their last partner – DELETE.

6. If their profile has any of the following tag lines – “I’m lonely,” “Don’t want to be alone,” “are you the one?” – they are desperate and needy as hell – DELETE.

7. If the person immediately makes inappropriate sexual comments in emails, they have ZERO social skills and are complete jerks – DELETE.

8. If the person emails you 3-6 times before you ever respond to the first email, they have major control issues, are desperate, and do not know how to pick up on social cues – DELETE.

9. If you tell someone kindly you do not think you are a good match, and they email back and try to make their case, they have serious control issues – DELETE.

10. If in email exchanges they do not actually answer any of your questions, but simply try to echo back whatever you’ve said, while it does mean they are trying to make a good impression, it also means they are willing to do so at the cost of not being honest – DELETE.

Christmas Cat

2010-12-11T11:44:00.001-08:00

It's time for a little Christmas spirit.

You are here to risk your heart...

2010-12-02T00:03:00.000-08:00

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
— Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

Saw this over at Squandrous today and had to share it. Perfect timing for me to see this. Here's to being swallowed up, and tasting all the sweetness of life too.

Also, check out these gorgeous shots of Portland at night by my friend Jeff. Another nice reminder of all the beauty in the world.

Swallowing the secret burning thread

2010-11-29T23:19:00.000-08:00

At the moment, my heart is aching. (My adolescent, melodramatic, juvenile, intense to the point of ridiculousness, loyal to a fault, slightly bruised, crazy, runaway, wild, sweet, wonderful always-surprising ever-loving heart.) We may be bruised, but we're still hoping for some magic.....

Here is Suzanne Vega singing The Queen and the Soldier. Its a song that holds a lot of layers of meaning for the man and I. There is magic to be found in that secret burning thread, and in loving the person who has swallowed it as well. Hoping you find a little bit of magic this week too:

Cats Playing Pattycake = Awesome

2010-11-28T12:44:00.000-08:00

Saw this on http://www.dooce.com/ and had to share.

Many Blessings

2010-11-25T08:12:00.001-08:00

A simple wish for everyone to have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Today I am thankful for all the many blessings in my life: my wonderful friends and family; my loving animals, both past and present; my job, which not only allows allows me to support my self, but gives me purpose; and this wonderful ridiculous amazing life where I really never know what is going to happen next. Happy Thanksgiving.
, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

Dating Checklist for a Person with Abandonment Issues

2010-11-24T20:57:00.000-08:00

In the event of my recent breakup with someone who I have had an ongoing relationship of one kind or another since high school, and who just did the same thing they did after we got engaged ten years ago, which was break up with me, (only in an even worse way this time - which trust me, I didn't even think was possible, but I'll save that for another time because I might still be in shock) at any rate, I think I've finally figured out "The Abandonment Issue Playbook."

See below for the Top Ten Checklist. Keep in mind this is not meant to be specific to me or my situation (things have been changed), but it certainly embraces the essence of the Abandonment Issue Dating Conundrum. (Sorry the formatting seems to suck. I'm working on it.)

Dating Checklist for a Person with Abandonment Issues
(& a smidgen of self-esteem issues too)

1. Intimacy with another person is great, but it is also TERRIFYING.

     a. You will want it, but you shouldn't have it.
     b. You will want it, but you don’t deserve it.
     c. You will want it, but it’s so scary, maybe its some thing you should only deal with every 10 years.

2. When you think you can handle intimacy, go after it with everything you have.
     a. Make sure to make your relationship intense and exclusive. Take trips together.
     b. Tell that person you cannot live without them.
     c. Propose! (Diamonds are always a nice touch here.)

3. Realize you really cannot handle a relationship and abruptly break things off by saying you never wanted a relationship at all, its the other person who is the only one who wanted it.
    a. When you do this, know that it’s totally ok to breakup with someone you have known forever via email.
    b. Make sure you send them a text, too! (Just in case you aren't sure if they've read the email yet because they haven't called you all upset.)
    c. Make it seem like this is all the other person’s fault.
    d. When they try to contact you to have a civil conversation about things, ignore them.
    e. Don't answer your phone when they call.
    f. Don't return any of their texts except once, and then make it vague and their fault, something like, "Please just leave me alone for a while."
    g. Dig a hole and stick your head in it for months, maybe no one will notice.

4. Remind yourself that its ok to run away from your problems. (Not really, but it helps you feel more in control, so that makes it better.)

5. Tell yourself that its ok to treat the people you love and who love you with complete disrespect. (How can you possibly respect anyone who actually loves you anyway?)

6. Other peoples' feelings don't matter. (Only yours do. And you're terrified right now, so that's all that counts.)

7. The reason it is so terrifying to love another person is because they might leave you. (Might? Of course they will leave you, everyone leaves you.)
    a. If they leave you, it will be the end of the world. (When. When they leave you it will be the end of the world. )
    b. Because you know they will leave you anyway, its better to send them away first, because it'll hurt less that way. (Not really, but keep telling yourself this, it might make you feel better. Actually, it won't, but keep repeating it anyway.)

8. Loving another person is SO DANGEROUS, that it is much much better to live alone.

9. If you really don't want to be alone, pick someone who you think will never leave you.
    a. Have a child with them. Have more children with them.
    b. When they leave you, (which they will, because everyone leaves you) you should then live alone forever because it’s easier than going to therapy. (Costs less too.)
    c. Transfer all your relationship issues into your relationship with your child/children.
    d. Substitute your relationship with your child/children for any adult intimate relationships.

10. When all else fails, drink a lot of alcohol. (Because that ALWAYS helps.)

Swan in lagoon

2010-11-24T07:37:00.001-08:00

Swan in lagoon, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

Haunted

2010-11-22T07:29:00.001-08:00

Luling Mansion, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

Cheyenne

2010-11-21T16:41:00.001-08:00

Cheyenne with babies, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

I miss my girl. Through all the upheaval in my life, she was always my one constant. And with the current goings-on and recent losses, hers is the one that hits me hardest. Always will. My sweet wolf-girl, I miss you so.

Dreamscape, City Park Lion

2010-11-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

This is one of the lions at the Peristyle in City Park. They sit and regally look out over part of the lagoon, watching ducks and swans and turtles. They figured strongly in my childhood as we often went to the park to feed the ducks, and I was always impressed with their stony, regal bearing. I was always half-hoping and wishing one of them would crack through the stone and emerge as C.S. Lewis's Aslan. Such are the dreams of eight-year olds.

I spent time with them when I was recently in New Orleans, and still half-hoped Aslan would emerge from the stone to give me comfort and courage. Such are the dreams of eight-year-olds at heart.

Dreams and dreamscapes are on my mind this morning because my sweet Chey visited me in a dream last night, and she doesn't do that very often. In fact, I think its only the second time since she passed that she has done so. She didn't figure largely, but she was there, which is enough to let me know it was important and I should pay attention, but of course I cannot figure this one out yet.

I was in a friend's enormous house with Chey and their dogs (which in the dream actually weren't any of their dogs) and the house was under construction. We were staying with them while waiting/moving into somewhere else. (This is not unlike my current situation.) Because the house was under construction, some rooms were affected and some were not. I was looking for Chey and the rest of the dogs when I went outside. The place was now a farm/ranch with animals everywhere, including exotic ones. A baby rhino came charging up to me and practically cornered me against a fence. At first I was nervous and afraid it/he/she might get angry and want to charge, so I would meet its eyes and look away. After several tense minutes of this nervous sizing up, with some huffing and foot-stamping by the baby rhino, it settled a bit and nudged me with its nose. I patted its nose and snout, and scratched around the baby horns, the bigger of which seemed a little loose, like it might be molting/shedding. Satisfied, the baby rhino went on its way.

I then went to the road to look for the dogs, which as a group had taken off running. Chey was herself, but could run in this dream (which makes me so happy! but oh how I miss her so) I took off down the road after them, but it was a tree lined country road that was under construction and full of workers and work trucks. It was like 20 -30 utuility trucks, maybe even more. I had to keep stopping to ask if they'd seen the dogs, and to not trip over their work equipment. I finally turned around and went back to the house, I think I may have even started to cry because I was worried about Chey, when the dogs started arriving back at the house and I started letting them in. Chey was outside and heard my voice and got so happy to see me, we ran to each other and I hugged her and let her in the house. The dogs all settled down into sleeping spots and beds to take naps.

Then a man, someone I think I knew, it appeared to be my ex-bf, but not really sure, and his dog Caloi was not in this dream, so maybe not him, but definitely a man significant to me. I was showing this person the new place I was moving to which had piles of my things all over part of the floor. It was nice though, and had high ceilings, and there was a space for my dining room table. The only problem was the door, and I cannot remember when in the dream this door appeared,, but it had no knob, and was badly damaged like it had been broken down and the place had been broken into before, the door was missing peices of wood, and the twisty deadbolt would not catch and lock, so the only way I could lock it right then was with a small and slender sliding bolt. So I did.

I have some of my own thoughts on interpretation, but would love to hear any other thoughts before clouding the waters with my own.

Storm Brewing

2010-11-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

Storm brewing and rolling in, time to start hunkering down. This poem seems very appropriate for this time in my life. It was first brought to my attention roughly 10-11 years ago by Donald MacKechnie, a writer/actor/director/acting coach/and all around wonderful man. He gave me a copy to hold, after first reciting it to me, when I returned to L.A. from a trip to New Orleans with my heart shattered. My heart isn't shattered this time, even though its the same damn man, and same damn reason. I am older now, have more life and work experience and insight into this, so now I am simply feeling like a fool and an idiot, as well as profoundly sad for not recognizing the symptoms/behaviors of another for what they really are, and what I suspect is a mental health issue. Right now my heart is just sad, and simply aches for the pain and anxiety my usually-sweet man is clearly going through, as well as its own pain and sense of loss. Just another circumstance to live through and hopefully learn from. Although admittedly, right now I'm having a really hard time figuring out the lesson in this one.

INVICTUS, by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Sunset over the Causeway Bridge

2010-11-14T12:59:00.000-08:00

I am missing New Orleans, and sad about a lot of things, but still working through them. Its a melancholy time for me right now.

Sigh, and here we are again...

2010-11-11T06:35:00.000-08:00

Via Katie

Visiting family at the cemetary

2010-11-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

Currently in New Orleans on a vacation that took a decidedly unexpected turn. Even so, it has been wonderful to relax, eat great food, catch up with friends, and simply enjoy the healing energy of the land of my birth and container of much of my history and lineage. In line with that healing, I stopped at the cemetary today to pay my respects at the family tomb, and ask departed family members for help, guidance, and prayers for peace.

Sarah Palin in New Orleans for Halloween

2010-11-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

My Halloween costume....

Squirrel Hunter

2010-10-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

On a walk through the neighborhood. Fall is definitely here.

Obama

2010-10-20T23:53:00.000-07:00

Seriously, thought I was gonna swoon. We were about 50 feet from the President at the Obama-Kitzhaber Rally tonight. Never did I think I would be in the same room as, much less that close to, a U.S. President in my life. Totally cool.

And I really really really need/want/need a better camera! These are from my slow little digital, which I do love, but its no good for long distance, and is useless if there is any movement happening. Thankfully one of my friends has a great SLR and took some amazing pictures, which I need to get copies of.

The man has an amazing presence, and is such an inspiring speaker. It was a great night!

Fall weekend

2010-10-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend was perfect in so many ways.

Breakfast eggs with Caloi on Saturday, before her Dad came to pick her up. It was the end of our two week visit, and I was sad to see her go, but we had a great time. She even went out for Happy Hour with Jeff and I on Friday.

Then I went for a 6 mile run along the Willamette River in the sunshine, which helped me power through a small trip to the office and then lots and lots and lots of errands.

Sunday was more glorious sunshine! Its never this beautiful and sunny here in portland, so it makes everyone sundrunk and happy and smiling, which I love. We had an early morning for outdoor soccer today due to everyone's schedules, and it was cold, but we didn't stay cold for long. Then a little later I had an indoor game, (which didn't go so well, we didn't play our best, and certainly earned our loss). The weather inspired me to bake something, so after soccer it was time for shopping, shower, football, chili and baking a quick apple cake.

The recipe was easy and the cake came out quite nice. Added bonus, baking filled the house with the incredible smells of apples, cinnamon and brown suger. Yum!

A perfect fall weekend....

And one more pic of Caloi, to tide me over till the next time I get her. I just love her sweet face!

Flowers & Candlelight

2010-10-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

Part of the table setting from the wonderful wedding party of friends on Saturday night. A lovely night filled with incredible wines, food, and friends!

Chaos vs Order

2010-10-05T22:08:00.000-07:00

http://originalsinsi.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/chaos-order1.jpg Original link here at Adan& Eve

Love this.

Help with letting go

2010-10-05T00:17:00.001-07:00

Newport, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

These past few weeks I have been wrestling with myself something fierce. I am stuck with trying to let something go but not having a lot of success. I know this is more of an ego thing than a heart thing, although there is some heart stuff tossed in as well. But I have to let it go. The problem for me is I know it in my head, but seem to be stuck elsewhere, and there are a few details that complicate it even more, and make it harder. The bottom line though, is that I need to let it go. But how? How the hell do I get where I need to be with this?

Today while stuck in court for hours just waiting, I jotted a few thoughts down about it. I could use some input, any and all suggestions welcome.

Promise Unfulfilled. The malaise currently gripping me has been driving me a little crazy. I have been extremely emotional, often on the verge of tears in the middle of the day, having to shut my office door to let the tears fall privately. Its not any one thing, but more the cumulative effect of the events of the past 12 months, finally piercing through the wall of good humor and activity I built up to keep it all at bay.

I have been straddling an invisible fence, half in two different worlds, and I need to make a decision, pick one, commit to it, and open myself up to the risk of losing everything (again) if things don't work out. I need to do this rather than the half-assed 'well, if this happens, then I'll do this' and hanging on to something that I know deep down inside doesn't work as a backup plan. (And with that, of course I know my choice has already been made, has been for a long time. Its my monkey-mind that is resistant here.)

I need to LET. IT. GO.

Even though by doing so I acknowledge my failure. I have to get past feeling like the fact of this failure makes ME a failure too. It does make me a failure. But only at that one thing, that one relationship, not at everything in my life. Which is how I have been feeling.

I will paint in broad strokes what set this off. A good friend, who is amazing, is expecting, and I am thrilled for her. But after I learned this, I was incredibly surprised to find that a few days later I was hit very very hard by feelings of doubt, sadness, and regret over my ended relationship with the ex-bf. Part of this was brought on by the fact that friend and her husband started dating at the same time as me and the ex-bf, and are now celebrating several years of marriage and the start of a family. Here I sit, no baby on the way, and with my age and some other age-related issues going on, no real likelihood of that ever happening for me now, and a wonderful man in my life who I only get to see every few months because of the physical distance between us. And who has a few fear issues about me living any closer to him any time soon.

Yup, I'm a loser. (I'm kidding now, but at that time it was my real reaction.)

Big sigh.

My love has been amazing, patient and unbelievably kind these past few weeks when dealing with me and my profound sadness. I told him today "I am so much better off right now than I was one year ago." And I do mean that. But in my head I am mad - mad at what I perceive as having my time wasted, being taken advantage of, and being lied to. Which then gets me even madder at me for letting it happen. I have to figure out how to let it go. I do know I am better off, and I do know it wasn't all horrible in that relationship or it wouldn't have lasted as long as it did, and that I made the right decision to end it the night my line was finally crossed.

I remember I need to let it go, but then things happen, I get scared, I get mad, and I forget. How the hell do I LET THIS GO and get on with it? I really don't want to stay this angry at my ex-bf or myself for this long. I've gotta let this go.

Newport Beach

2010-10-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Trying something new here. Experimenting with the collage feature a little, so I used pictures from last weekends work trip to Newport Beach.
Played in the tide pools, saw lots of starfish, anemones and hermit crabs. As well as breathed in that wonderful salty ocean air.

Rough weather

2010-09-29T08:31:00.001-07:00

Rough weather, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

Weather seen on the Oregon Coast this past weekend. Everyone has to go through some rough weather once in a while.

Soccer & Socializing

2010-09-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

These are Lindzer tart cookies I made yesterday for a large dinner I was invited to. I also made curry chicken for my main dish contribution. It is so much fun trying to cook new recipes (which these were) and I really love being able to cook for others. It was a lovely potluck put on by friends who'd recently spent 9 months traveling the world. Everyone brought dishes from places they'd been. It was a wonderful evening.....

I also spent most of today playing soccer, beginning with an outdoor pickup game in the rain and the mud, then an evening game with my indoor team...my legs are that nice sore right now, tired, but healthy....it was a good weekend.

Every Home Needs a Harvey

2010-09-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

This. Is. Awesome.

Here is a link to Thinkbox The Making of Every Home Needs a Harvey.

I can't stop watching this.

Texture & Tiny Details

2010-09-16T07:48:00.001-07:00

Texture, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

Things have a been a little overwhelming of late. In order to make life more manageable, I've been trying to focus on the small things I can do, so the big ones I have no control over don't feel quite so big or daunting or unchangeable.

At one point earlier this week, someone took the time to say a few words to me, and that was all it took to change my perspective and set me into action. Those few minutes changed the texture of my day, and my week. Its in the details, the small moments, all right there in front of us, as long as we have our eyes and ears open, and are ready to receive what we need.

Peace

2010-09-11T15:40:00.001-07:00

dogs 158, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

Sending everyone a wish for peace today.

Channeling my mother

2010-09-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

Tonight I made cucumber finger sandwiches for a baby shower tomorrow. Thinly sliced cucumbers on sprouted bread with the crusts cut off, spread with cream cheese with garlic and chives.

This type of activity always makes me feel close to my Mom. Tea parties, entertaining, anything pretty and graceful = totally her thing. Its funny, because I miss her and feel close to her at the same time whenever I do something like this. She was very good at finding the beauty in the small things, and trying to create a space for beauty in her surroundings. Funny how it took til I got older to recognize any of that quality in myself.

I am also making a spicy eggsalad, but no pictures of that. Just lots of tiny finger sandwiches ready to go to the party.

A different type of missing someone

2010-09-08T23:33:00.000-07:00

Long-distance loving can be difficult, but it can also be incredibly fun. You have your space, I have my space, and when we get together it is because we want to be together, so every minute counts, and seems that much more special and precious.

We have done this long-distance dance before, my love and I, and we are good at it. We are good at the small gestures, the keeping in touch so no one feels too alone or forgotten, and leaving just enough space so that we can miss each other too.

Sometimes, in those spaces, the only way to describe the how I miss him and the way I miss him is hard. Meaning that every cell under my skin is reaching out to his skin, over the thousands of miles, and wanting to feel that other skin against itself NOW. Those neurons my cells fire off send tiny signals to my brain, and in the midst of reading something for work my mind has wandered off and is in the land of night, with him, and I have to snap to it and get myself back to work. Not wanting to think about work, wanting to get lost in that day/night/dream world, but not totally wanting to be there either, since it isn't real, its not him, and what I really want is him. Missing him in those between spaces is hard. And that is when long-distance is hard.

This week has been hard.

Bella at the park

2010-09-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

I have been lucky enough to spend the past several days with Bella, who is my sweet friend, and was a friend to Chey as well. She is a total love.

Yesterday we did a trail run together, today we went to the park, tomorrow will be another run.

It is always such a good shift in perspective to spend time away from home. Although right now I am not exactly definite on where home is, and who is home. I am missing my love, who is so far away.

Today was also time spent catching up with and celebrating a good friend's recent accomplishments over breakfast. This includes landing a job that feeds her soul - so very proud of her for going for it, and then landing it. It is so necessary and inspiring to be surrounded by friends who are honoring their own journeys, it keeps me going.

Here's to being still, long naps, and time spent with. friends, human and animal. Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Wolf Magic

2010-09-02T21:14:00.001-07:00

Chey sunning, originally uploaded by blackdogwhitedog.

She is of course on my mind. Last night she was in my dreams, along with her friend Bella, who I am currently watching. There was a lot going on in that long extended and very complicated dream. Astral travel, secrets being shared, mysteries revealed.

Today, this evening with Bella at the park I met a boy and his wolf. She was smaller than Chey, but very beautiful, white with swirls of brown and black, and very much a wolf-mix. She came straight to me, greeted me, and smiled. While we were there she would keep coming back to visit me, more interested in me than Bella, or anyone else at the park. I finally had to talk to her boy, confirm she was a mix, and of course tell him about my girl. We both agreed they are the most amazing special beings you can share your life with.

Amazing to me that those special souls can recognize kindred spirits. Wolf magic.

Hood to Coast - Life List accomplishment

2010-08-31T22:01:00.000-07:00

Another big Life List item that can scratched off as accomplished!

So, Friday and Saturday I ran in the Hood to Coast relay race. This is all part of my keeping ridiculously busy plan so I don't get overwhelmed by grief. It does help. And I do give myself alone time for the grieving process, I happen to need to get out and do things in general anyway.

I was a last minute replacement (two weeks prior to the race) for a team member who had to drop out due to knee issues. The relay race is 197 miles, starts at Mt Hood and ends at the beach at Seaside, Oregon. Its usually 12 people to a team, in two different vans, and everyone runs 3 legs each of the race. I was in Van 2, and we had a great group of people. This is very very necessary, since you spend over 24 hours nonstop with your Van, and a lot of this time is spent driving to each pickup location for runners to exchange turns. I think I maybe got 2 hours of sleep from Friday night to Saturday evening. But it was a lot of fun.

I had forgotten how good it can feel to push yourself past your limits, and see that you really can keep going. It left me with an enormous sense of accomplishment.

Friday we didn't need to meet Van 1 until after 5 pm, they were starting at 2:30 pm. So since I had the day off, I slept in, got a manicure (to make me run faster), ran some errands, picked up our borrowed van, got ice for the cooler, and organized my playlists for my ipod. The only thing was, you couldn't wear earbuds, so I bought a handheld speaker system that was light and worked fairly well.

Turns out Van 1 wound up almost an hour ahead of schedule, so when Van 2 met up at my place, we had to book it up the mountain to meet them for the first exchange. The first exchange went well, then we had to drive for our first runner exchange, which meant I was up next to run a leg. I had Legs 8, 20 and 32. Leg 8 was 5.55 miles with mainly rolling hills through farmlands, still descending from Mt Hood into Portland. I started before sunset and it was glorious. Lots of pinks and oranges brushed across mainly cirrus clouds and blue sky, and when I looked back at Mt Hood it was bathed in pinks and blues. There were little kids cheering runners on, some families were having parties, others were sitting near the road with firepits and beer, watching the crazy runners passing by. I had estimated my times as 10 minute miles, and shaved 3 minutes off my eta, which felt good. It was a relief to get that first leg over with.

We then had to keep driving to each exchange for the next 3 runners, until everyone in our Van had run their first leg, and it was time for Van 1 to meet us and start up again. We met up with them in Portland, and once the runners switched off, ou van went to our meeting place for showers, carb loading and some sleep.

If only I had been able to sleep! At any rate, Van 1 was still way ahead of schedule, so all too soon we had to get up, load the van and head out for our 2nd Legs. My second Leg started at 5:15 am, and was 5.75 miles of straight up, quite a bit of it on a gravel road. I didn't listen to music on that leg, it was me, my headlamp and the moonlight. So incredibly peaceful and quiet, I paced myself as well as I could, since I wanted to have something for the last 1/2 mile or so, which then became downhill on the gravel road. It was very dark, lots of trees and little traffic other than team vans, but felt quite safe. In patches there were meadows, one in particular was quite large, with a small barn in one corner, and the moonlight wafting down on it made it seem so incredibly magical, almost like it would disappear if I blinked. That run felt like it took forever, but was also probably my favorite leg to run because it was so beautiful, and I felt so alone but connected to the trees and darkness and moonlight. I started to hit the area that would run downhill as the sun was coming up, which was nice, and my Van 2 people were waiting for me to see if I needed water (I didn't), and then I booked it as fast as I could to the next exchange. Every time you finish one of your legs it is such a relief, because you know you're done for another 11 runners.

Our third exchange with Van 1 was in the morning, and we were hoping we could sleep in the field at the next exchange location, but it was not to be - there was a 2 hour traffic jam. Sigh. So by the time we got to the field, we only had about an hour to sleep before making the final exchange.

That last leg was brutal, and I was very happy it was my easiest, only 4 miles this time, but once again, rolling hills. Lots of runners passed me on that leg, and I pretty much hit my eta, which was about what I had hoped for. That leg was through huge open ranch lands, many of the fields full of gorgeous horses running and playing in the sunlight, probably wondering what all the crazy runners were doing. It was brutal because I was so tired, due to lack of sleep, and the fact that I'd already run roughly 10 miles in such short proximity to this run. There was a cowbell van and I recognized it as they passed me, so I yelled, "Hey! I need more cowbell!" They happily obliged, and rang away on their cowbells. I passed them as I was running down the hill towards my exchange, and yelled once again, "I need cowbell! bring me in with some cowbell!" Again they were all to happy to oblige. That exchange was cruel, because you get to book it down a hill and take advantage of gravity, then there is an uptick, so you have to really push to finish the last little bit of it. Oh, and it hurt! It hurt so much! My legs felt like bricks, and by the time I finished I thought I was going to throw up, although I was so happy I was through.

But once it was done, I was done! I just had to ride it out in the van and support and encourage the last 4 runners in our van til we got to the beach! Oh, and once at the beach we were lucky enough to have a place to shower and cold beers and food waiting for us. That shower felt sooooo incredibly good. Our team finished almost 52 minutes ahead of schedule, we placed 405th out of over 1032 teams, and we finished the relay in under 28 hours. Not a bad showing at all.

One of our runners, speeding away!

I need to hang on to this accomplishment right now. There is a lot of churn going on, and I need to stay as centered as I can.

Poetry Wednesday

2010-08-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

"What different roads have led us here. Yet, sprung
from those battlefields we both remember,
we lay down our arms in love. Never surrender."

from Oasis I, from Jaguar of Sweet Laughter by Diane Ackerman

Simple summer pleasures

2010-08-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I grabbed a blanket & a book and headed to Mt Tabor to get some afteroon sunshine with a breeze. The soapbox derby was going on, so I watched that for a bit, then hiked around to the other side and found a sunny, grassy slope with shade close by as well. Unfurled my blanket, kicked off my shoes, and gave myself over to the book I am currently reading.

The shot above was my view when looking over to the right. It doesn't quite capture the perfect blue of the sky, the smell of the pines,or the soft sshhhuushhhhing from the wind through the trees.

Phone off, no place I needed to be, nothing hanging over my head. Such a pleasant way to spend an hour.